Cathy Zielske's Blog

Through a fog of processed carbohydrates

Remember this before and after shot?

Ahhh. I do. I mean, I should considering I posted these lovely shots in front of my toilet for two years.

Watching yourself go down in size month after month for a year is inspiring and motivating.

I was on a roll, and not the kind that hangs over the edge of my jeans.

Okay, maybe there's still some roll. Definitely more roll today than in that upper right after shot.

This month, I've been plagued with tweaks and aches. First my calf. Then my back. Then my attitude. And you may not know this, but the latter is the worst one to go. Truly. Because when the attitude is in the crapper, Cheez-Its and Sprite don't seem so taboo afterall.

I'm just going to say it: taking care of yourself is hard.

The other day I was leaving the mall, walking past the food court, and I called Dan and said, "You know what I wish? That I still had a metabolism that let me eat at Manchu Wok or Sbarro," to which he replied, "Um honey, no you don't. That food sucks."

Touché.

I'm sure once I can get back to heading out for runs I'll be in a better mental space. I swear to you, the particular sweat that comes during a 3- or 4-miler is just about the most cleansing thing I know how to do.

I took a walk the other day and it just didn't quite give me the same boost. That's reality for me.

I feel very whiney. Not at all like a fearless leader of the Move More, Eat Well workshop. But maybe that's exactly what my students need right now, to know that this is hard for me, and that I'm struggling with this process too. That sometimes, I feel like, well, whining.

I have found no magic pill for this. I keep surprising myself with the reality of realizing: Ohhhh… you mean I have to WORK for this?

And so, I carry on.

I'm sure my groove will come back around. In fact, I'd bet on it.

Sometimes, it just feels good to let my inner Debbie Downer out for a bit to play.

Just not for too long, you know?

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If you're interested in making changes to your overall health and fitness, Move More, Eat Well is a 12-month online workshop at Big Picture Classes. The focus of this class is to embark on a personal journey that works with your unique lifestyle in helping you to find ways to make the changes you'd like to see on a fitness and health level. Registration is open all year and you can jump in anytime to join the more than 1,550 women and men who've made the decision to try to make changes in their own lives. Move More, Eat Well revolves around a robust community of users who are all creating a scrapbook/journal of their progress. To learn more, click here.

 

 

 

The Sweetest 16

Happy birthday, lovely girl. We love you so very much.

Project Life, Week Twelve

OBSERVATIONS: Spring truly has been in the air around these parts. Oh who am I kidding? When it was pushing 80 degrees last week, let's call it what it was: summer. Still, Project Life moves full steam ahead, even in a week where my lovely Aidan wasn't fully around to be photographed and documented. Sigh. (She returns tonight at 10:10, just in time for her 16th birthday, which is tomorrow, which is why I'm posting about Project Life today, instead of my usual day, tomorrow. Clear as mud?)

And even though Aidan was gone for half of the week, I sure did write a lot about it. Milking that one, for sure. I even included a screen grab from Facebook as well. (Want to learn how I do screen grabs from Facebook and get them into a print-ready format? Watch this video.)

Here are my pages for the week:

And no, I can't really explain that photo of Dan in the see-through shirt. Just know, when the Zielskes have a party, all bets are off.

When one of the parents sent me some Instagrams of Aidan in El Salvador, I immediately plugged them into a Tiny Template for my album.

I cannot tell you how much peace of mind a simple post on my Facebook page brought me in regards to my globe-trotting girl.

Last week also saw an unplanned reunion with a handful of my girlfriends who all used to work together back in the 90s at the illustrious American Collectors Association (yes, it was a trade association serving the debt collection industry, and come hell or high water, we made sure everything we did for those agencies looked and sounded terrifc!) I decided to use one of my Story Savers cards and I dropped the type right into the PNG file. (To learn how to work with these cards, watch this video.)

And here is my weekly recap:

I am so looking forward to including Aidan's voice and photos in next week's pages.

And that's a wrap for Project Life, Week Twelve.

SUPPLIES:

InLinkz.com

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Project Life, created by Becky Higgins, is a flexible, easy-to-use, highly customizable way to save your memories in a fun, stress-free way. Learn more about getting started with Project Life by clicking here.

It seems I have a bit more to say about this.

Aidan Zielske in the mountains of San Salvador, March 2012.

I told you last week that my girl, my first-born and only daughter, was heading out for a mission trip to El Salvador with our church and that Dan and I would not be accompanying her on this journey.

I posted a baby photo of her and made light of the fact that I would be curling up into a ball until her return.

Funny. I didn't think I would actually want to do that.

Aidan is still on her trip as I post this, not due to return until Wednesday night.

I didn't expect to be refreshing the Flight Tracker screen every hour on the hour last week, waiting to see that yes, her next flight had taken off, or that yes, her last flight had landed.

I didn't expect to find myself purposely trying to put the fact that she was over 1,000 miles from the safety of my arms out of my mind just in order to get through the day.

I didn't expect to feel so unsettled and out of whack the way I have.

I posted to Facebook a few times last week, this being one of them:

At the time, I was being flippant, but as the days have gone on, I have been overwhelmed at the depth of this missing her.

I know that one of my jobs is to raise children who will be able to leave this nest and find their own ways in the world. Theoretically, I get this.

You don't really think much about this, however, when you decide to go off the pill in 1995 because suddenly you've had a sudden and unexplained change of heart in your previous, "I'm not having kids" position and figure, "What the hell? Let's DO this!"

I'm not going to lie to you. I was not the best mother in the early years of my childrens' lives. I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect either. I'm saying that as a direct result of doing therapy for the past few years and because I have learned a lot about who I am, who I was and how I operated in the world.

I was so much crabbier. So much more focused on imposing me onto who I thought they should be at times. I was so much more self absorbed than I should have been.

And as a result, it limited my ability to truly see my children.

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Today my focus is to see and know and learn everything that I can about who they are while they are still under this old roof on Sheldon Street and while I still have the time to do it.

I know some of you out there reading have already passed through this door, watching your children move out into the world with grace and hope, and with trials as well, both for you and them.

I know some of you out there have children clinging to your legs from dusk until dawn and you're simply trying to get one load of laundry done and a hot meal on the table by 7 p.m.

I know some of you have children with special needs and their futures may be less predictible and may not follow the traditional trajectories of life.

I know some of you are like me. You're on the precipice of the time when they will soon be leaving the safety of the four walls you've created and you're beginning to feel the pangs of whether or not you did enough and of how you're going to adjust with one less warm and delightful body living under your roof.

I guess what I'm connecting to is the pain of the years when I could have been doing so much more as a mother, but also to the gratitude of being so very thankful for the time I still have in the here and now to give them everything that I can, knowing what I know now.

I love how Oprah always quotes Maya Angelou when she says, "When you know better, you do better."

It feels like a wonderful shot of hope and forgiveness as well as a challenge: do better.

I cannot wait until Wednesday night, when I get to stand at the baggage claim at the Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport and enfold my daughter and tell her how much I love her, and to then hear all about this amazing adventure she's been on.

I cannot wait to get her back home and continue to do better as her mother.

I'm so very grateful for that chance.

 

 

It seems I have a bit more to say about this.

Aidan Zielske in the mountains of San Salvador, March 2012.

I told you last week that my girl, my first-born and only daughter, was heading out for a mission trip to El Salvador with our church and that Dan and I would not be accompanying her on this journey.

I posted a baby photo of her and made light of the fact that I would be curling up into a ball until her return.

Funny. I didn't think I would actually want to do that.

Aidan is still on her trip as I post this, not due to return until Wednesday night. I didn't expect to be refreshing the Flight Tracker screen every hour on the hour last week, waiting to see that yes, her next flight had taken off, or that yes, her last flight had landed.

I posted to Facebook a few times during the day as well, this being one of them:

At the time, I was being flippant, but as the days have gone on, I have been overwhelmed at the depth of this missing her.

I know that one of my jobs is to raise children who will be able to leave this nest and find their own ways in the world. Theoretically, I do get this.

You don't really think much about this, however, when you decide to go off the pill in 1995 because suddenly you've had a change of heart in your previous, "I'm not having kids" position and figure, "What the hell? Let's DO this!"

I'm not going to lie to you. I was not the best mother in the early years of my childrens' lives. I'm not just saying that for dramatic effect either. I'm saying that as a direct result of doing therapy for the past few years and because I have learned a lot about who I am, who I was and how I operated in the world.

I was so much crabbier. So much more focused on imposing me onto who I thought they should be at times. I was so much more self absorbed than I should have been.

And as a result, it limited my ability to truly see my children.

 

 

Project Life, Week Eleven

OBSERVATIONS: Project Life, Week Eleven can be summed up in one word: NARNIA!

As you know, my children were recently in a production of Narnia: The Musical, based on the much loved book by C.S. Lewis.

On Saturday, the cast did a photo shoot between their afternoon and evening performances. The great thing about this theater company is that they let the parents attend the shoot so we can take pictures right along side the pro photographer hired to do the shoot.

(Little side story: the photographer is also an actor, director and all-around theater guy, and he directed both the kids last year in The Wiz. I'd gotten to know him a bit and he remembered me not because of my charm or my talented kids, but because of my Canon L Series 24-70 mm lens. When he showed up for the shoot, I could see it in his eyes as plain as day: lens lust. So I offered it up. Why not? He traded me his Canon 85 mm 1.8 for the day and I think I got some amazing shots myself.)

Anyhoo… I knew this week would feature the best shots I could take and that it would be the focus of Project Life for the week. In all, I saw the show five times and only cried during the last two. I'm telling you, seeing Cole up there, speaking with that cockney accent, bringing the house down with laughter… seeing my daughter up there, exuding a wicked sense of evil then coming out for the final curtain bow… those are things I never ever want to forget.

That said, here are my pages for the week:

See that image of the salad? Holy Broccoli Nirvana! I have to thank Lisa Russo for the recipe. Find it here.

Here's a close up of my weekly recap.

And last but not least, a picture of Dan on St. Paddy's Day.

(A shout out to my talented writer friend Amy Pampusch Olson who dubbed him "Bootsy O'Collins.")

I cannot stress enough how much I love this album and this project. I keep opening up the album, looking through it and thinking, "Seriously. I am in love with you, album."

And that is all she wrote for Week Eleven.

InLinkz.com

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Project Life, created by Becky Higgins, is a flexible, easy-to-use, highly customizable way to save your memories in a fun, stress-free way. Learn more about getting started with Project Life by clicking here.

Partially Empty Nest

She's leaving today on an 8-day good will/mission trip to El Salvador.

Without us.

Sigh.

Yes, the people from church will take good care of her, but my baby is heading to another country and I won't be there with her.

This kid. She's such a pistol. She's always gunning for new experiences; things that will broaden her horizons. When I told her, "Hey, I'll leave Skype on so if you get access to a computer you can ring me up," and she said, "Mom, the whole point of this is to enrich my world with other things, not technology."

Touché kiddo.

Join me in wishing my girl safe travels.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to curl up into a tiny ball for just a little bit and try not to think about the fact that in just a few years, college will be an adventure that likely takes her away for more than just 8 days.

Time is a bullet train.

 

 

Hey Doc, it hurts when I do this…

I started running in January 2010, though when I started I'm not sure you would really call it running. More like falling forward and making my feet move ahead to prevent me falling face first onto the treadmill.

Over time, it got better.

I've had such good luck with running thus far. Maybe that's the bonus of being an adult-onset athlete—I don't have years of pounding my body that's catching up with me in my 40s.

But about a week ago, something went funny during a run, and even after taking a full 5 days off, it's still funny. Something in my calf.

Dr. Google is leading me to believe I may have some small muscle tear, though you know how crazy Dr. G. can be. Because it could also be Deep Vein Thrombosis, or an Achilles Tendon issue, or quite possibly my entire leg might have to go.

The reality is, I can't run. At all. The minute I take one stride on my right leg, my calf starts the protest and seems to be saying, "Hey stupid, stop pushing me here."

I've got to tell you, over the weekend, I let the blueness wash over me. If I don't run, then my whole fitness programs falls apart! If I don't run, I'll be back into larger sizes by the weekend! If I don't run, how will people know I'm serious?

Then I decided to stop playing my neurotic card, and look at reality: I've got to do something else and let this heal, whatever this is.

So it's back to the pool a little more often.

Yes, it takes more time from my day (driving there, get in, swim an hour, shower, drive home). But it's a solid form of low-impact exercise that I can do, and generally enjoy. Sure, I will smell like chlorine more by hitting it three times a week, but hey, at least it's a clean smell.

And then there's the bike.

We've been having freakishly warm March weather. We broke all weather records last week and this means that bike season has come early. I'm planning to get out this morning to see how the calf feels on a bike ride.

I know people face challenges to their fitness goals all the time. I know a lot of my students in Move More Eat Well class post about this very subject with frequency. How to make it work. How to work around the problems.

What about you? Be it fitness, or work, or life… when all of sudden you have to change course, how to do motivate yourself to do just that?

Me? I just keep reminding myself not to throw the baby out with the pool water, so to speak.

All hail Narnia

My children just wrapped on a production of Narnia: The Musical. And I know I'm biased and what not, you know, not exactly the most objective of reporters, but they were awesome.

Aidan played the role of the White Witch and Cole played the role of Mr. Beaver. This is the first show in which they both played leading roles, and man did they play them to the hilt.

I realize some of you who read this blog might think, "Sure, why wouldn't kids of yours be in theater?" but the thing is, I would never have dreamed of doing something like that when I was growing up. I'm far too much of an introvert to put it all out there the way they do. I think this is why I'm always in awe when I see them on stage.

Because I can't imagine doing it myself.

And then I remember: oh yeah, this has nothing to do with me.

I love the opportunity these two give to both me and Dan to experience something new and fresh and so full of life.

Thanks, Aidan and Cole. You two are truly amazing.

And the giveaways go to…

The winner of a seat in The Art of Observation with Heidi Swapp is:

 

The winner of the $40 gift certificate from Heart on Your Wrist is:

Ladies, email me at czdesign@comcast.net to claim your seats! Hope everyone has had a great weekend.