Ebb and flow and chub
It happens slowly.
One day, you're hovering around a weight that makes you feel confident, strong and successful, and a year-and-a-half later, you're not.
Today's post was not planned to be a lament. In fact, sometimes I hesitate posting laments because there will always be someone who calls me out for being a baby, and then I feel even worse about myself, and then I usually buck up and get down to the business of doing what is needed.
Maybe it should be a lament.
Long story short: remember that weight I lost working my little tushka off? It's almost all back. Almost. Not quite. Just about. Five more pounds and yes, ladies and gentlemen, we'll have a bingo!
If you've never had any issues with food or body image or weight, this concept might seem completely foreign and ridiculous to you. Up and down. Back and forth. Gains, losses and gains.
I was thinking about it the other day and realized: I'm 46 years old and this has been an issue for much of my adult life.
Of course, I didn't really experience it so much in my 20s because I smoked myself silly. (As if that wasn't an issue in and of itself, right?)
But since I have attempted to live a life free of nicotine (beginning at age 30, and off and on until I quit for good at 40), weight and food and body image have been an issue.
The whole body image issue, well, that's layered deeply in the minutiae of my personal development and goes a bit beyond what I'm addressing today. But the weight and food thing? Let's just say I'm getting tired of the ebb and flow for which I am fully responsible for inviting to the party.
In my Move More, Eat Well class, there is a lot of room for brutal truth. Looking at your choices. Spending time thinking about why you are making those choices and so on.
There is also room for support and comfort. I've been offering a lot more of the latter to myself during the past year. And while that approach makes me feel better, my yoga pants are feeling more and more like my wardrobe's Last Great Stretchy Hope.
Do you ever find yourself looking at people for whom weight and food do not seem to be a problem? (Of course, judging a person by how they look, well… that's a little silly and presumptuous, but bear with me for a second.)
I do this and I wonder a) what that would be like, to just stay the same size, enjoy a treat every now and then and not always seem to be on the verge of having to buy bigger clothes? and b) do they have just as many issues surrounding food and weight as I do?
I suppose that's going to have to be a rhetorical question for now.
I'm okay with not having the answers to all of this. Most of the time. There are still many positives in this process, the main one being I'm stronger and healthier than I used to be as a skinny, smelly smoker.
I still run three miles a pop. I walk just about every single day. I wear my FitBit and always shoot to log as many steps as I can.
Most importantly, I'm trying to work on the inside stuff, which I do believe is a lot more important than the shell in which it all resides.
Lastly, I try to stay connected to what is real and what is needed. And I can guarantee you my therapist will tell me that is that very last thing I'm doing on this particular subject.
Just talking out loud today. I've been feeling a bit heavy in more ways than one, and sometimes it helps me to write it all out.
Know what I'm saying?
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